almost too bright to see

ima be a baby sloth wrangler.

2011-02-17T00:29:00.000-08:00

yum.

georgia mud fudge

2011-02-17T00:14:00.000-08:00

7 new things I now know:

1. Costa Rican Sloth Orphanage is the home of a hundred sleepy urchins :)
2. My future dream job: Baby Sloth Wrangler. It's a real thing!
3. "The Cute Show" on WBS TV should be watched by everyone in the world.
4. Yogi Bear in 3D makes a good date movie.
5. It is actually possible to sit at your desk for 3 hrs and get 20 minutes of work done.
6. There is a star wars alphabet?
7. No one knows what fuzzy slippers on your teeth are :(

"Little Hippie Mix" i'm making for peter rabbit.

2011-01-28T21:30:00.000-08:00

Neon Trees- Animal
In the Next Room- Animal
Sleepyhead- Passion Pit
Little Secrets- Passion Pit
Camilo- Said the Whale
You Make My Dreams- Hall & Oats
Tiger Mountain Peasant Song- Fleet Foxes
Bohemian Like You- The Dandy Warhols
Reno Dakota- Magnetic Fields
The Disco Song- Au Revoir Simone
Islands- The XX
VCR- The XX
Low Shoulder- Toro y Moi
Foolin -Devendra Banhart
Sunset- Lunar Eyes
Rococo- Arcade Fire
Youth- Beach Fossils
Gold Gun Girls- Metric
Love Love Love- The Mountain Goats
Perfectly Perfect- Elizabeth & the Catapults
You & Me- Feldberg
Little Lion Man- Mumford & Sons
Lines Her Eyes- Dum Dum Girls
It Wasn't Me- Jenny Lewis
Electable- Jimmy Eat World

forget it, no worries, let's blaze.

2011-01-22T13:40:00.001-08:00

bad life choices.

2011-01-09T23:17:00.000-08:00

all this hope is making my face ache.

2010-12-11T13:30:00.000-08:00

Full of wishful optimistic thoughts this week :) Can't wait to be back with my love kittens and in my own bed and being fed real vegetables!

like a ship passing in the night.

2010-11-29T21:36:00.001-08:00

bubble gum, bubble gum in a dish. how many pieces do you wish?

2010-11-29T21:22:00.000-08:00

it just ain't no good without you.

2010-11-28T11:58:00.000-08:00

be mine. please please be mine.

all you have to do is look inside inside inside. you know it inside.

2010-11-22T16:41:00.001-08:00

everything will be alright alright alright.

missing you.

2010-11-05T19:52:00.000-07:00

things are not the same without my bestfriends. home doesn't feel like home. and okotoks doesn't give me the same feeling of comfort. picking up my phone and not having texts from them makes my heart sink. yes i realize how melodramatic i sound/am being. but i just need to mope and miss them right now.

i don't believe anybody feels the way i do about you now.

2010-10-04T21:35:00.000-07:00

back beat the word is on the street that the fire in your heart is out
i'm sure you've heard it all before but you never really had a doubt
i don't believe that anybody feels the way i do about you now.

skeletons have hearts too.

2010-09-25T16:09:00.001-07:00

pull your ribs apart and let the sun inside.

2010-09-25T15:29:00.000-07:00

birthday presents por favor.

2010-09-24T12:03:00.001-07:00

dearest dear, why'd you run? why'd you disappear? come back over here.

2010-09-22T13:07:00.001-07:00

especially from you.

university rocks my world.

2010-09-19T11:17:00.000-07:00

between the 24/7 hanging out sessions, anthropology 1000, the amazing friends i'm making, and the wicked clubs we've been hitting university is off to a very very good start.

i'm smashed in this picture, yet still lookin good (another skill i'm learning here).

this summer was such an adventure.

2010-09-01T11:02:00.000-07:00

but now it's back to reality, something i'm not altogether fond of. it means retiring Puff for the time being, halting my bad habits, relearning self control and doing some much needed hard work.

the ship went down in sight of land.

2010-07-04T07:50:00.000-07:00

it's true i'm needy and take everything personally. but that's how we work.

the problem is my house.

2010-06-22T23:07:00.000-07:00

le love knows exactly how i feel.

sex bomb.

2010-06-17T07:00:00.001-07:00

once in a while, when you don't know what to do, you just need to let things happen to you.

2010-06-03T22:23:00.000-07:00

i wish i were a knightie.

2010-05-29T10:12:00.000-07:00

one day i'm gonna miss these days.

2010-05-25T22:05:00.000-07:00

i'm loving the campfires freedom and lack of responsibilities.

nothing much left to say, except

2010-05-17T16:37:00.000-07:00

i feel like we're running out of time.

2010-04-20T21:50:00.001-07:00

it's like forgetting the words to your favorite song, you can't believe it you were always singing along.

2010-02-09T20:50:00.000-08:00

indio is back: happy happy happy.

2010-01-31T13:06:00.000-08:00

cuddling my fluffy dogs clearly makes everything so much better!

blue lips, blue veins.

2010-01-22T22:18:00.000-08:00

I am extremely extremely nervous about tomorrow night.
I've been playing the possible situations out in my head over and over trying to find the most logical one, but perfect and horrible ones keep clouding my view. It's like having a 24 hour movie that never leaves my head, it just keeps changing back and forth from a lovely dream to a nightmare, and on occasion pauses in between. Fuuuck.

i'm one happy cat.

2010-01-13T21:02:00.003-08:00

bahaha this is the best news i've heard all month
not that it matters..i barely even care.
but still very very good to hear.

this is a big world and that was a small town.

2010-01-12T21:03:00.000-08:00

life is halfway better again.

no more resolutions. just change.

2009-12-28T20:48:00.000-08:00

I am very much looking forward to a new year.

And putting some of my goals and plans into action.

step outside put a match to my cigarette, remember all the things i've tried so hard to forget.

2009-12-26T13:17:00.000-08:00

so my sister gave me a listography journal for christmas, and it's made me realize a few terrifying things.

first of all: falling in love tends to take over your life. filling out lists in the journal my thoughts came back to him almost every time. for example: people you love the most, countries you've visited, you biggest sins, favorite songs, most memorable people in your life, bands you've seen live, best gifts you've ever recieved. Somehow memories with him were at the top of every list i tried to write but i didn't really mind...

second: your first love is irreplaceable. this thought is a huge part of whats keeping me sane right now, no matter how many other relationships you have in highschool you can't beat that one.

shit happens.

2009-12-23T19:52:00.000-08:00

But what if it's shit that tosses your world around til its backwards and all wrong
And makes you cry like a lunatic on the bus and be depressed for what could be months to come?

Well then fix it.

the big dipper is all that i can see.

2009-12-18T22:56:00.000-08:00

look for the girl with the sun in her eyes, shes gone.

2009-12-04T17:45:00.000-08:00

AND YOU BROKE MY HEART?

It feels so strange talking to you at school right now. Every time we hug i just want to pull back and kiss your cheek, it doesn't even feel right walking next to you with an empty hand. Maybe its just out of habit but i do still love you and not being able to tell or show you that seems crazy! I really want to fix this.

i was robbed.

2009-11-27T21:55:00.000-08:00

and i'm restudying the holocaust

because i just can't seem to grasp the meaning of everyone being so horrible, not even in the figments of my imagination could i ever consider what could be so worth it.
at least I'm thankful grade ten punks are so bad at thieving and didn't find my birthday money, and they will probably be arrested very soon when they fail to think through their next criminal master plan.

today will be a happy day.

2009-09-22T17:41:00.000-07:00

obession with foreigners?

2009-09-19T12:46:00.001-07:00

i don't think so! because i've discovered the cure :) i just need to go spend sometime as a foreigner myself and my fascination with be solved!

typical tuesday night.

2009-09-01T21:35:00.000-07:00

"For the sake of keeping H1N1 out of our household, go wash your laundry.

What? Mom you realize that makes no sense.

Yes it does, you're a virus!"

guess which beast i'm being for halloween!

2009-08-26T19:52:00.000-07:00

when you see what comets stars and moons are all about.

2009-08-05T21:52:00.000-07:00

my mother just demonstrated the various facial expressions of a gorilla for me and then used them towards me when i explained she was INSANE.

and te quiero.

2009-07-08T11:05:00.000-07:00

beautiful light.

2009-05-21T15:43:00.000-07:00

I want to be alone for a while

I want earth to breathe to me

I want the waves to grow loud

I want the sun to bleed down

see the waves go down

see the moon alone

see the world unshown

I raise my head and whisper

rise and shine

rise sister shine

ALSO i now own 19 beautiful paint markers.

2009-03-19T22:04:00.000-07:00

YESSS! my life is complete :)

Funny thing is,

2009-03-19T21:57:00.001-07:00

The more You object to my opinions, the stronger I feels about them.

The more illogical You say I'm being, the more I believe in my intelligence.

The more ridiculous You think my thoughts are, the more I think about them.

The more You try to prove me wrong about this one, the more I'll put my heart into proving the whole world I'm right!

chew on that meat-eater.

if you want it you shoulda put a hug on her.

2009-03-15T12:02:00.000-07:00

Lately it's been hard to keep the hinges on with all this noise

I'll find my words when there is no one talking

I'll find my words if I could just stop thinking

The room is spinning

but I have got no choice

I can't remember when the earth turned this sl ow ow ly

So I just waited with the lights turned out again

Spin beneath the roof top

Hold on, wait until the spinning room stops.

I'm keeping quiet till the phone stops ringing til things stop spinning

spiraling, spinning, swirling
draining, out of control.

I'll find my way back but until then

i'm only spinning

You and your energy, they keep taking over the melody.

2009-02-21T22:08:00.000-08:00

I'd sip coffee in the morning and in the afternoon just watch the sky.
The sunset explodes and the ocean spray grows cold.

And those are the only things that will kiss my face as far as you know.

swallow worries one by one.

2009-02-17T21:33:00.000-08:00

you make me cry.

but then i smile myself to sleep thinking of you.

at a quarter to five.

2009-02-11T22:31:00.000-08:00

-a few people in the entire world disliking you.

-being invited to EVERYTHING.

-getting naturally jealous on a frequent basis.

-have a select few matching traits with your bestfriends.

-not owning a car by graduation. :(

-keeping your room clean.

gave hope and a brand new day.

in a champagne supernova.

2009-01-28T20:01:00.001-08:00

A champagne supernova in the sky. she's so beautiful.
Wake up the dawn and ask her why?
A dreamer dreams, she never dies. it makes you wanna cry.
Wipe that tear away now from your eye,

because i love you.

Slowly walking down the hall.
Faster than a cannonball.
Where were you while we were getting high?

where was i?

where am i going with this?

Someday you will find me. Someday you will find me i honestly know you will, and i'd wait for you forever if i had to.
Caught beneath the landslide
i know your stuck but this will work itself out,

+ you did the right thing.

promise.

2009

2009-01-01T22:56:00.000-08:00

is going to be fuckin AMAZING.

2008-12-03T21:52:00.000-08:00

when wonderful things

have terrible endings

all you can do is cry a little

your the honey and the moon.

2008-10-30T21:39:00.000-07:00

that lights

my night.

Don't know why I'm still afraid
If you weren't real I would make you up now
I wish that I could follow through
I know that your love is true
and deep
as the sea
but right now
everything you want is wrong,
and right now
all your dreams are waking up,
and right now
I wish I could follow you to the shores
of freedom,where no one lives.
Remember when we first met
and everything was still a bet
in love's game

you would call;
I'd call you back
and then I'd leave a message
on your answering
machine

11:11

2008-09-16T22:15:00.006-07:00

{i wish we could stay this way forever}

your voice was the soundtrack of my summer.

2008-09-16T22:15:00.005-07:00

Do you know your unlike any other?
You’ll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors,
You’ll always be my thunder,
So bring on the rain.
And bring on the thunder.

it's hard to make conversation

2008-09-16T22:15:00.004-07:00

when he's taking my breath away.

I'm taking pictures in my mind, so i can save them for a rainy day.

And there so perfect i could fill a million photo albums.

definition of a boy.

2008-09-16T22:15:00.003-07:00

according to Best of Bridge cookbooks:

boy- a noise with dirt on it.

you, me and the moon

2008-09-16T22:15:00.002-07:00

so close i can taste your breath.

your lips go dry, but they're still sweet inside.

we could stay here, stay out all night.

no one would know, us and the moonlight.

<3>

44 days til halloween.

2008-09-16T22:15:00.001-07:00

my costume 8
my horoscope 8

Scorpio: You need a day of rest- but today is not gonna be it. You've got way to much to do!

phewf no kidding.

on the outside i'm trying, 'cause on the inside i'm dying.

2008-09-16T22:15:00.000-07:00

i'm working 39 hours this week. 40 hours counts as being full time. problem is i already have a full time job, going to school! so im working two jobs at the moment. not fun.
i have 60% averages in two of my core subjects and ms. wagner is calling my dad tomorrow about my late homework.
i have to miss montana's and tiana's parties this weekend to cook dead chickens.
i won't see my boyfriend for about two weeks, or most likely the rest of my life!
indie wakes me up at 5 am everyday to go outside, meaning im getting about 5 1/2 hours of sleep everynight.
i really just felt the need to complain.

the stars in your eyes light up the sky.

2008-08-28T17:30:00.003-07:00

"its pretty great having spiderman for a boyfriend."

laughs, "come on maryjane"

oh jeez how i like you

if only the world could look this way forever.

everything is amazing right now.

despite every little teenage dilema,

i'm feeling unbelievably happy, drama-free, fearless,

confident and just content. i know im ready for

anything grade eleven may throw my way.

its chapstick, chapped lips and things like chemistry

2008-08-28T17:30:00.002-07:00

i <3>

+train bridge, um train bridge, and oh yeah the train bridge.
+burts bees chapstick, chapped lips
+walking and talking on the river path
+a certain british boyfriend <3
+the rain

-working 5 days a week
-having NO time for friends in the next 2 weeks
-honestly not much else

your my dream please come true

2008-08-28T17:30:00.001-07:00

"loving you is like trying to touch a star; you know you'll never reach it but you have to keep trying."

thats what i used to think,

but now i've reached you. i made it.

i got there, here, exactly where i want to be.

"i know the loves that's in your eyes

was there when the sky fell over me."

so i'm completely crazy about you, and i'm hoping maybe we're on the same page.

there's always clouds to float on so

2008-08-28T17:30:00.000-07:00

make a wish

and if your lucky

it might come true.

hold on tighter

2008-08-12T23:19:00.000-07:00

reach for me, stretch for me, do anything you can for me.

this absolutely made my day

2008-08-06T22:38:00.001-07:00

definitions of my name according to urban dictionary:

1. jana

The most gorgeous thing that walks the planet, but nobody realizes... yet. She is a brilliant, hilarious, fantastic, beautiful girl who lights up any situation; except her own. She helps everyone she sets eyes on, but her own problems haunt her. She usually has the most absolutely mesmerizing eyes anyone's ever seen. her differences are what makes her perfect and so admirable. she says and does things that nobody would imagine. she keeps you on your feet. everyone looks up to her. she is wild and loves to party, but DEFINITELY knows when to study and hit the books to get a good grade (after procrastinating). All in all, she is gorgeous, perfect, sweet, smart, mesmerizing, and an amazing role model.
--I cannot stop looking at Jana's gorgeous face.

2. jana

Russian spy, often disguised as something pretty and familiar
--Watch out for that jana or it's going to steal all your information. You never know where it hides.

the best thing that could be happening

2008-08-06T22:38:00.000-07:00

1. WARPED TOUR
bands: all time low, relient k, angels and airwaves,
katy perry, amity, say anything, and automatic loveletter.

t-shirts: the academy is..., confide x2, glamour kills,
motion city soundtrack, automatic loveletter.

2. INDIE

started out as india, to indio, to indie. my new bouvier puppy with a backwards mohawk. <3

3. SUMMER LOVIN
i've changed for the better. i've realized alot of things, and you helped me do that.

all i need from you now is the promise that we'll be

friends always, and more than that..well maybe one day.

"i've changed, you've changed.. thats just how it goes,

friendship fade, love dies and thats what life throws at you"

"You make me want to live, you make me want to love,

you make me want to scream at the top of my lungs.

You make me want to cry, sometimes I feel like

I could die, when I think that none of this

would have happened without you."

i can't accept that it's over

2008-08-02T15:51:00.000-07:00

boy open your eyes

shes crazy about you

...:.:::::::.::::.:::.::.::::::...

.:good thing paper hearts like these just need a bit of glue and kisses:.

i freakin love you

2008-08-01T18:39:00.000-07:00

so i found sam's* secret diary today and this was the funniest thing in it:

sometimes somebody just needs to shoot Jorge* in the head and tell him to shut up. gosh. what was with pushing me and my xylophone over and making all the keys fall out, and then making those burping noises and not helping me up. and jeez get your stories straight before you pretend to know whats going on. you'd think that i for one would know it was fucking me. hmm and sure seems like someone can't stand being ignored. whatever, nice of you all to talk about me. freaks! your story's getting old.
ps-my hand still hurts from him pushing the xylophone.
*names have been changed

oh i love that kid <3>

do i ever cross your mind in the warm SuNsHiNe?

2008-07-18T09:50:00.000-07:00

i found a boy who had a dream of making everyone smile
he was sunshine, i fell over
my feet like bricks underwater

and how am i supposed to tell you how i feel?
i need oxygen

oh baby, if i was your lady
i would make you happy
i'm never gonna leave, never gonna leave
oh baby, i will be your lady
i'm going crazy for you

tell me what you want
baby tell me what you need

i miss you baby, please come home now

floating away on a paper airplane

2008-07-16T23:32:00.001-07:00

gOaLs:

be a good friend, to everyone.

keep secrets. no matter what. no exceptions.

call people out on their mistakes.

appreciate what others do for me more, specifically my family.

have fun in palm springs! shop til i drop and find a whole new wardrobe for next year as well as sweet gifts for everyone.

be brave. harness that inner courage and use it.

don't worry about my appearance as much, just let the sun dry my hair and light up my face.

start eating healthier! as in actual protein.

try to be more ecofriendly. shorter showers, only buy recycleble stuff, pick up garbage.

keep in better touch with old friends.

be happier. stop worrying about all the silly drama going on and just enough the summer. heat, freedom, friends, teenage rebellion.

ttfn, i'm going to miss you so much. don't forget about my keychain...or me.

strangers are only friends you haven't met yet

2008-07-16T23:32:00.000-07:00

don't be afraid of strangers or meeting new people.

something i know but still need to learn.

i keep getting invited to hang out with

this new group of people. they all

seem sweet but i'm just so freakin

scared to hang out with them.

i know that's ridiculous.

so i'm going to be as

brave as possible

and see them

tomorrow.

excited to hang out with you jac!

i'm trapped in a web here

2008-07-09T23:01:00.001-07:00

don't you feed me lies about some idealistic future.

walk away and let me go.

no chickens i love you most

2008-07-09T23:01:00.000-07:00

i will never eat a poor little chicken as long as i live.

Today i had to touch raw whole chicken bodies, it was terrible! i could see all their little bumps where their feathers got plucked out. I could feel their legs squishing about beneath my rubber gloves. I could definitely smell their innocent deaths. worst of all i could see exactly where their heads used to be, and their wings that used to flap and i could imagine them all running free, escaping Safeway and the plates of its customers.

2008-07-09T21:49:00.000-07:00

may 23 2006 tuesday

sometimes somebody needs to just shoot easton

and tell him to shut up

gosh pushing me and my xylephone over and making all the keys fall out

and then making those burping noises and pretending it was me.

an then he didnt even help me up.

and jeez get your story straight

before you pretend to knows whats going on

you would think i for one would know because it was fucking me

hmm and it sure seems like someone cant stand being ignored whatever you suck

nice of you to akk talk about me. freak. your stories are getting old.

my hand still hurts from the xylephone falling on it.

purple and blue make up you

2008-07-09T00:02:00.000-07:00

today i held a completely lovely 16th birthday bash for mariah.

it was wonderful.

only three people bothered to show up, making them my favorite three.

decorated my front porch in everything purple and blue that me and nicole could find.

streamers, balloons, candles, flowers, easter bunny table cloth.

best banner ever painted, mostly cus it was by two spectacular artists.

made "Mariah's Fabulicious Birthday CD".

baked two cakes one triple chocolate, one confetti angel.

niether turned out.

ended up eating a mashed up combo of both soaked in frosting.

plus PB & J sandwhiches, oreos, fudgeos, delisscio pizza.

with delicious second cup passionfruit tea chillers mixed with limeade.

listened to jay read us the inapropriate bits "knocked out by my knuga knugas" out loud.

created a spectacular new facebook group entitled "those who want to kiss graham hafermehl". "please join if you have ever wanted to or thought of giving him a nice little smooch."

so far we only have three members, but we've invited 37.

i'm the president/founder, mariah's the manager, jay's the vice-president.

what a fabbity fab day.

lalalalalalalalalalalalalala.

never let you go

2008-07-08T23:33:00.000-07:00

*It's not who you've known the longest, but the one who's kept you smiling from the beginning.
Find them, and never let them go.
-you've kept me smiling from day one, even when i was crying over you i was smiling in my head at all your craziness and sweetness. you make me smile like no one else can. i never ever have to fake it around you. not even the boy i loved could make me laugh like you can. you make me laugh so hard that if i were with you 24/7 i would probably die of suffocation. i love you, i love you, i love you. i'm not even sure what i mean by that, but i do.

*I don't care what we talk about, as long as i'm with you.
-everyone else seems to think your endless blabber is boring and annoying but i have no idea what their talking about. i have never been bored with you, not once. i love hearing you talk, you could go on and on and on and i would never interrupt. it's never boring because first of all its you! and 2nd of all whenever you get going on your long speeches it always about something important to you, something you really care about and are passionate about, which makes everything interesting. not to mention the fact the way you talk could make absolutely anything interesting.

*Spectacularosity is you.
-you're so vibrant and energetic and full of life. you inspire me to be happier and more positive. sometimes you are what makes me get out of bed in the morning and look forward to the day. your smiles keep me going, they kept me going through the hardest time of my life and all i can hope for now is that you stick around long enough for them to help me more.

ps- life is no longer crap, actually it never was! i was just being melodramatic
oh rcb, how hard you are on me.

what you meant when you said...

2008-07-03T22:41:00.000-07:00

this squirrel loves this pineapple even though it's a pineapple.
of course a squirrel and a pineapple could never date, or make each other happy, realistically at least, but the squirrel loves him anyways.

just like how i like you even though your a moron sometimes and have a bad habit of hurting me. i like you anyways just because you're you, and you are amazing even though your not who would typically fit with me. also like the squirrel and the pineapple we can never date, because i want you too badly and because you don't want me at all.

your that guy who i'll always want but i know i can never have.
well the saying's true you really do "want what you can't have", not being able to have you really does make me want to even more, which i didn't know was even possible at this point.

everything's not lost

2008-07-03T21:27:00.000-07:00

even if it feels that way i've learnt its not true, not true at all.

but what's true is that:
*wonderful boy actually did turn out to be an ass.
he told some of my closest friends some pretty mean stuff including that he never really wanted to date me in the first place, so what i'm wondering is: why he would ask me out if he didn't actually want to go out with me?
*had an awesomely terrible tuesday night including heart break, scene it & peach schnapps.
so i almost had a sleepover with boys, until they bailed on us. i played sociables which is so much fun! i tried everclear which is insane cus you can't even taste it, which now that i think of it is probably not a good thing. and i tried really hard to just hang out and have fun with the guy i like (but can't have) cus that was my plan, i figured everything would be fine. but it didn't really turn out as expected it kind of turned into somekind of sick way to torture myself. i realized there is no way to get over him that isn't going to be painful, so i'm just going to have to be strong and tough it out. it should get better eventually...right?
*feeling really unwanted by everyone right now. when i hang out with my friends it almost feels like im intruding.
so when i've been invited places lately it kind of feels like their only inviting me to be polite or cus they know i'll find out anyways and they don't want to hurt my feelings, not cus they would actually like to hang out with me or anything. its kind of making all the hurt worse.
*i have $440 to blow in palm springs! i leave in less than two weeks!
this is going to be the shopping spree of my life!!! soo excited, and i promise i will get everyone a sweet gift from target.
*i got a job at Safeway! in the deli... ugh
it pays really well, plus i get to work with my favorite ginger and a really attractive church boy so i suppose its worth it.
*i have to get my wisdom teeth pulled out in august, so scary eek
that is crappy but on the brightside maybe this other physical pain will distract me from all the pain in my heart. <3
*can't wait for summer to really sink it, it doesn't even feel real yet.

2008-07-02T13:47:00.000-07:00

crap. life is just crap at the moment.

tomorrow comes today

2008-07-01T15:22:00.000-07:00

life just keeps getting crazier and crazier.
yesterday for the first time in long time a boy was not an ass to me.
i broke up with him and he didn't freak out, he didn't get mopy, he didn't even get angry or lash out at me with insults.
no, no instead he said:
"it's ok i think we'd be better off as friends anyways."
to be honest i was SHOCKED, completely 100% shocked.
how is this possible? is it really true that not all boys are jerks?

i suppose it is! which is quite wonderful really because i was definitely beginning to believe that everyone boy in the world would turn out to be horrible in one way or another. i am simply relieved.

dear wonderful boy,
you are the sweetest thing ever, any girl would be lucky to have you. please try to keep it that way and don't let yourself be brainwashed by all the other assholes. <3

also i have decided that teenage girls are lunatics. absolute lunatics.
especially when they fall head over heels for a boy they cannot have.
still not exactly sure why we can't just have them, but we can't it.
and it turns us into crazy people, meaning that girls are commonly known to still like a guy even if he has recently rejected them, been a complete dick to them, dissed them, ditched them, and just been an overall bitch to them. this is still a mystery....

can you guess what this is?

2008-07-01T14:38:00.000-07:00

this is love.

and what it does to my brain.

on the stereo, listen as we go

2008-06-29T18:14:00.000-07:00

yesterday was completely fabulous!

*had everyone over for a super fun barbecue/campfire/sleepover. it was awesome to have everyone hang out as a group for the 1st time in a long time. plus i got to hang out with one of my friends who i've been missing big time lately, it was so sweet to have him there. thanks to everyone who came: s, n, a, m, s, t, a, d, c.

...and thanks a billion to s's mom for the note she left us: "note to teenagers: making smores by the fire is way funner than making out!"

*starting to let the sunshine seep in and it's definitely warming me up. i've been a lot happier lately and i haven't been letting things get to me quite as much. still dealing with a couple things but i'm hoping to get that all cleared up quite soon.

*my best bud is back! i nearly died without her this week and it kinda made me realize that i tend to take my friends for grant it sometimes. so so so happy to have you back s, don't be surprised if i call you every night for while.

*also a few things i learnt this week:

a) those amazing jelliod feelings don't always last.

b) even your closest friends can betray you once in a while,

but it doesn't mean you should lose all your trust in them.

c) it is very, very difficult to stay 'just friends' with guys and

not develop any other feelings for them.

d) once your crazy about someone its extremely hard to stop

thinking about them, and even harder to get over them.

e) you have to be careful not to give people to many chances,

or they'll just start taking advantage of you.

f) and there's always, always someone there for you,

even when your least expecting it.

your ghosts are bound to me

2008-06-28T12:22:00.000-07:00

your ghosts are bound to me, "so very tightly.
i wish they would just let go now and let me free."
we are stronger where the string has broken us.
"where we're no longer connected is our best".
it will take more than a heavy rain to silence us, theres so much for us. "it will take more than you to silence me and bring me down, there's more than that for me."

i believe in clean breaks. i keep these old troubles away.
you make sure i was lying when i said, i can leave this behind.
"i try and try to put it all behind, but you just make it so hard"
the more i find, the deeper i'm trapped.
"the more you talk to me the deeper i fall,
the more you tell me the harder i hit the ground"
this wicked town where your ghosts are bound to me.
one last sacrifice in this ritual.
"but its almost time for me to be completely happy".
from clean breaks by dashboard confessional

you might realize what you're missing

2008-06-27T23:27:00.000-07:00

and if you do i hope its one day soon.

Bubbly Toes by Jack Johnson from Brushfire Fairytales

It's as simple as something that nobody knows that her eyes are as big
as her bubbly toes

on the feet of a queen of the hearts of the cards and her feet are all

covered with tar balls and scars

It's as common as something that nobody knows that her beauty will

follow wherever she goes

up the hill in the back of her house in the would she love me forever,

I know she could

I remember when you and me mmm how we used to be just good friends

Wouldn't give me none

But all I wanted was some

She's got a whole lot of reasons

She cant think of a single one

That can justify leaving

and he got none but he thinks he got so many problems

Man he got, too much time to waste

His dreams are like commercials

But her dreams are picture perfect and

Our dreams are so related though they're often underestimated

It's as simple as something that nobody knows that

Her eyes are as big as her bubbly toes

On the feet of the queen of the hearts of the cards

And her feet are infested with tar balls and

La da da da da da

Well I was eating lunch at the D. L. G.

When this little girl came and she sat next to me
I never seen nobody move the way she did

Well she did and she does and she'll do it again

When you move like a jellyfish

Rhythm don't mean nothing

You go with the flow

You don't stop

Move like a jellyfish

Rhythm is nothing

You go with the flow

You don't stop

It's as common as something that nobody knows it

Her beauty will follow wherever she goes

Up the hill in the back of her house in the wood

She'll love me forever, I know she

If you would only listen

You might just realize what you're missing

You're missing me
If you would only listen

You might just realize what you're missing

You're missing me

It's as simple as something that nobody knows that
Her eyes are as big as her bubbly toes
On the feet of the queen of the hearts of the cards

And her feet are infested with tar balls and

Nice game to play...

only problem is i'm pretty tired of games at this point.

we used to be such good friends, and all i wish is that we still were.

i thought you wanted that too, but you keep changing you mind on me.

you have no good reasons to justify treating me this way,

so i really don't even want to try to understand anymore.

i used to think i wanted to truth about everything, the honest to goodness truth.

but maybe i dont...i'm really not sure anymore.

maybe the truth just hurts too much and it would be easier if all i heard

was the sugar coated version of everything,

seems like thats all everyone wants to tell me anyways.

is their time to follow just one desire?

2008-06-26T15:18:00.001-07:00

"having one of those tough days again...
im all alone and my thoughts are crowding in on me again, it all seems so overwhelming sometimes. everytime i think i'm getting over all of this is comes back again. i miss everyone and i feel so seperated from them even though i know they're right here with me. i've even stopped letting people in who are close to me, im starting to pull away from everyone but i'm know i'm the only one who can feel it. all those old problems which i'm supposed to have dealt with are still lurking in the back of my brain waiting for me to have a vulnerable moment so they can spring up again, leaving me feeling helpless, the hurt raw and still stinging."

"everyone gives me the same advice over and over again 'just let it out'. but guess what? it only makes it worse! its putting stress on some on most valued relationships and i can feel it straining them. i need to keep it in, suck up all that poison and then get rid of it in my own ways. instead of venting to friends who only confuse me and jumble up my feelings i need to talk to someone else, someone that a certain 3 people have been teaching me alot about lately. when i asked you all how you felt and what you believed in you all openly shared it with me and were happy to know that i was interested. that meant alot to me and i want to thank those special three for that. i think i'm beginning to understand what this is all about and getting closer to finding what you have already found. "

"also im beginning to appreciate more fully how incredibly therapuetic art can be. i'm doing some of the best artwork of my life and completeing so many pieces. it so fufilling and cleansing, i can just let my anger and frustrations out on piece of paper. whats more is ripping it up afterwards is one of the most satisfying things i've done in a really long time."

it can only haunt you until the fever breaks

2008-06-26T13:53:00.000-07:00

"i still miss you, i'm still glad your gone, i still dont like you, i still love you"

Battle by Colbie Caillat
You thought we'd be fine
All these years gone by
Now your askin me to listen
Well then tell me bout everything
No lies we're loosin time
"you thought we'd be fine, you thought we'd stay best friends, you thought you'd be able to trust me and treat me with respect even though i broke your heart, you thought we'd get back together...well you were wrong about a lot of things. you keep asking me to listen and you keep manipulating me and lying to me and treating me like dirt. well i'm tired of this, i'm tired of you and i just want to be done. that's why i moved on, not because i dont care about you and not because i wanted to hurt you, just because i couldn't stand it any longer." tc

Cause this is a battle
And its your final last call (Why'd you have to let it go)
It was a trial, you made a mistake, we know (cant you see you hurt me soo)
But why arent you sorry, why arent you sorry, why?
This can be better, you used to be happy, try!
"you say you're sorry but do you mean it??? it feels like a cycle that you've both got trapped in, saying sorry to me then hurting me again, around and around it goes. you made a mistake, well many actually and you've got no idea how much you hurt me with those words. i know you sorry that all this happened but are you really sorry you did it to me, i dont really think so, never the less we can both be better than this and we can both be happy again if we just try, really really hard." tc and rcb

You've got them on your side
And they wont change their minds
Now its over, and im feelin like we've missed out on everything
I just hope its worth the fight.
"she got you on her side and i know you won't leave it now even if you've started to change your mind. i'm feeling like i missed out on a few of the best months of your life and you missed on a few of the worst months of mine (which could be a good thing for you). now that it's over i'm relieved but not as much as i should be, because you showed me exactly how much i mean to you and it wasn't much thats for sure. i hope this is worth it for you, after all that you put me through..." rcb

i might be a fool, but you might be one too

2008-06-26T00:30:00.000-07:00

*i'm completely estatic that we are friends again

*i'm wondering about what will have changed between us after all this

*i'm hoping that you will still trust me and tell me things because it means so much to me that do

*i'm laughing about how ridiculous this whole thing was

*i'm looking forward to spending some of the summer with you

*i'm smiling right now thinking of how crazy you are and how happy you make me

*most of all im insanely happy, excited, and thrilled to have you back in my life

rcb

steady hearts hate turning

2008-06-25T23:10:00.000-07:00

I know that you're an artist, you're the hardest one to deal with.

Everything that you conceal is revealed on your canvas.

yes, i am. i'm only hardest because i'm confused myself and trust me if you really knew how difficult i was you wouldn't be with me right now. My art lets out those pent up feelings and thoughts that i can't let out so if you don't respect it or aren't interested in it then you are saying the same for me, the real me, my deep down feelings that barely anyone gets to know. i'm still offering to share some of them with you if you want...

You find all of your ugly meanings in the things I find beautiful.

Do you see the fall is coming?

Come, I'm falling into you.

i see animals as beautiful, wonderful creatures that are meant to live in peace with us and you see them as something to kill. I see art and poetry as expressions and you see them as corny. I see my mother as being an independent women with a career to be proud of and you see it as unfortunate. You make me so angry i could just slap you! But then i realize i'm falling for you anyways and it scares the shit out of me.

You perceive all of these things. I'd never have known.

Love, will you turn off the lights? 'cause we're already home.

you perceive all of these things differently than me. in ways i never would have come up with on my own or could ever have imagined. i don't understand you one bit and i'm sure you understand even less of me. which means we are being given incredible learning experiences in eachother. so don't be scared like i am just let it all go...but please please keep in mind that i am fragile and so very breakable and you must be careful with me which sometimes means holding back a bit just for my sake.

You painted me in pastel, colors that don't tell of any boldness.

That's the way you'd love to see me:

so delicate, so weak, so little purpose.

i see that way you see me, and i really truly disagree. i'm much much more complicated that you first thought, i think you are beginning to realize this but i'm not sure that you like it. i know that you are traditional and a gentleman but i also know that i am very open minded and not always so ladylike. i hope that you will be able to enjoy my company even though i don't fit into your mold. lucky for you i am delicate, and i only pretend to be strong so you will get to be the man but on the contrary i have great purpose and i intend on proving it to you.

But your eyes are drawn of charcoal

they're black, they're so cold, they're so imperfect.

Because they see a sleeping world, where waking isn't worth it.

even when your life was at it's worst you weren't like this and that what attracted me to you. you're one of the most optimistic people i have ever met. your eyes are no where near charcoal, they are a shining warm honey brown and completely wonderful.

You perceive all of these things

I'd never have known.

Love, will you turn off the lights?

'cause we're already home.

how, how, can you live without your lies.

oh, oh, love I've had enough of you tonight.

all of these things I'd never have known,oh.

love will you turn out the lights 'cause we're already home, oh.

You perceive all of these thingsI'd never have known, oh.

most of all i hope you'll give me a chance like i'm giving you and not become too attached too quickly like i tend to do...

..:i've got friends, thats for sure:..

2008-05-21T18:41:00.000-07:00

*so first of all SH. You are spectacularly amazing! i love you to peices. You were my first friend at hta and i am so glad that you decided to talk to me, the new kid. Even though i wasn't always the best friend to you and wasn't always as supportive as i should have been you stuck by me. i really needed a friend last week and you were completely there for me 137%. It really showed me how amazing you are and that i shouldn't take you for grant it as much as i have in the past. so if im ever going through a rough time again i would love you to be there because you are the perfect mix of a good listener, advice giver and cheerer uper!!!! i'll be there for you too whenever you need me.

*TG, JK, and NR thanks for being there for me too! It means alot to me and you have really showed me that you care recently, thanks for the millions of hugs too. You guys are awesome friends and i am so happy to have you because hanging out with you guys always keeps me in a good mood! Also CB you probably don't even realize it but you have kept me from crying way too many times to count. Whenever you see that i'm a little (or alot) down you break out in a super crazy dance or make a ridiculous joke. So thanks for being your hilarious and insane self i guess.

I had to give it away, had to give you away

2008-05-21T18:22:00.000-07:00

I swear I didn't mean for it to feel like this, like every inch of me is bruised, bruised.
*i didn't think it would hurt this much when i made my choice. but i know its for the best and i try to remember that every time i think of you and miss you. one day soon we'll both move on and be truly happy again like we used to be.

You have stolen my. You have stolen my heart.
*you stole my heart away and i took yours too but now i need mine back again. i'm pushing yours back into you and pulling mine away. its like a tug a war but with our love which is much more fragile that a rope. but just for memories sake lets keep one small piece of me in you and you in me.

*you were my first love (i hope i was yours too) and for that i will always remember you. Your one of my best friends, now lets try and keep it that way for a while....